Monday, May 17, 2010

Ho hum

So, my son has been a bit, well, on the mucus-y side for the past couple of days. So it's no surprise that Mommy is starting to get that sticky, itchy feeling in the back of her throat. Ahem. I am *not* pleased, but I have to admit that I'm overdue for something. I haven't been sick in three months, and that's a personal victory for me. I haven't been this ridiculously well in two or three years. So, even though I'm not pleased with the advent of the post-nasal drip, I can't say it isn't time for it.

Unfortunately, I've been spending so much time on other things lately, it may seem like I've been hiding. I kind of have, really. Not because I don't want to be digi-scrapping or designing or hanging out with my buddies. I promise, I'm not planning on disappearing. It's just that I've learned something important recently. Those of you who have known me a little while know that I've struggled with depression and anxiety for years. Some of you may even know that this recent bout was basically kicked into high gear by a tornado that tumped over my family's trailer with all of us in it in April 2009. What you may not know is that I struggle with it daily on a level that makes it difficult to even get out of the house and drive to work. It's incredibly draining and very frustrating. It's also not helped very much by the drugs that I take. They take the edge off the panic, but they don't take it away.

Recently, I've been bouncing around and reading various blogs. I don't really have an agenda; I just read what interests me. And my interests have surprised me. One blogger posted that her son had just been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, also known as SPD. I had never heard of that, so I started following links. And that led me to Tongginator Mama's blog (which I talked about in my previous post). Turns out, she's sensory defensive, and her daughter is sensory seeking. Gotta love how life hands you those curves sometimes. And the more I read, the more I realized that there were bells ringing in my lives.

Long story short (too late! lol), I got some books on SPD in adults. Right now, I'm reading "Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight: What to Do If You Are Sensory Defensive in an Overstimulating World" by Sharon Heller. And I tell you, it was very stressful reading it because it was like a rerun of the hardest times and things in my life. I have not been formally diagnosed, but there is not a doubt in my mind that this applies to me. And really, that is both a relief and a bit of a downer. A downer, because it's not something that can be fixed with a pill or something. This is something I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life. But it's a huge relief to know that I now have tools I can use to help. According to the "scale" the book employs, I'm listed somewhere between the moderate and severe rating of issues with SPD. But the great thing about that, is now I can explain it. Now I can tell people, yes, this really does hurt. Yes, I really do have a rational reason for this. Yes, there is a physical problem here. No, I'm not just being a wimp, or a crybaby, or pretending. I now have validation and a road to a better place. I can't really explain how much that helps.

In the meantime, it also gives me some hard questions to speculate upon. For instance, am I having such a hard time emotionally with losing weight (a big issue for me) because the weight has helped me to deal with SPD in the past? Since so many of my emotional problems are probably dependent on this, what is it going to feel like to be able to cope more capably? Am I ready for the responsibility that comes with actually being able to handle this thing, rather than have it as an excuse? It would be way too simple to just say, aw, poor me, no wonder I can't do this. But that's just a path I am unwilling to take. Can I keep it real?


KajunKJ said...

Take care of yourself, Sarah! Big Hugs!

Jacquie said...

Í am here if you need to vent :)

Huge hug from me :)

Michelle said...

Let's hope you don't get too sick and make sure you get some rest.
I think it's great that you read everything you can and try to get a handle on the causes of your anxiety. It's not like you'll be able to control everything, but at least you can try to control some situations. Believe me when I say that it will get easier as you get older...But you'll have to keep working at it.
I can tell you are a very smart girl and I think if you keep your head straight you will be able to keep it real and not let it stop you from having a great life.
Keep are not alone...everybody has something to deal with!

Mary said...

Good for you, Sara, for exploring this new information. I, also, found out I had sensory and other issues relatively late in life. I was 40 and that was 16 years ago. In the "old days," these types of sensitivities weren't well known. Consequently, many of us have grown up with a LOT of baggage. Keep reading, keep thinking, get some professional help, and be proud of everything you've accomplished. My blog on Hubpages deals with my own journey. God bless. Embee77