Monday, May 17, 2010

Ho hum

So, my son has been a bit, well, on the mucus-y side for the past couple of days. So it's no surprise that Mommy is starting to get that sticky, itchy feeling in the back of her throat. Ahem. I am *not* pleased, but I have to admit that I'm overdue for something. I haven't been sick in three months, and that's a personal victory for me. I haven't been this ridiculously well in two or three years. So, even though I'm not pleased with the advent of the post-nasal drip, I can't say it isn't time for it.

Unfortunately, I've been spending so much time on other things lately, it may seem like I've been hiding. I kind of have, really. Not because I don't want to be digi-scrapping or designing or hanging out with my buddies. I promise, I'm not planning on disappearing. It's just that I've learned something important recently. Those of you who have known me a little while know that I've struggled with depression and anxiety for years. Some of you may even know that this recent bout was basically kicked into high gear by a tornado that tumped over my family's trailer with all of us in it in April 2009. What you may not know is that I struggle with it daily on a level that makes it difficult to even get out of the house and drive to work. It's incredibly draining and very frustrating. It's also not helped very much by the drugs that I take. They take the edge off the panic, but they don't take it away.

Recently, I've been bouncing around and reading various blogs. I don't really have an agenda; I just read what interests me. And my interests have surprised me. One blogger posted that her son had just been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, also known as SPD. I had never heard of that, so I started following links. And that led me to Tongginator Mama's blog (which I talked about in my previous post). Turns out, she's sensory defensive, and her daughter is sensory seeking. Gotta love how life hands you those curves sometimes. And the more I read, the more I realized that there were bells ringing in my lives.

Long story short (too late! lol), I got some books on SPD in adults. Right now, I'm reading "Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight: What to Do If You Are Sensory Defensive in an Overstimulating World" by Sharon Heller. And I tell you, it was very stressful reading it because it was like a rerun of the hardest times and things in my life. I have not been formally diagnosed, but there is not a doubt in my mind that this applies to me. And really, that is both a relief and a bit of a downer. A downer, because it's not something that can be fixed with a pill or something. This is something I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life. But it's a huge relief to know that I now have tools I can use to help. According to the "scale" the book employs, I'm listed somewhere between the moderate and severe rating of issues with SPD. But the great thing about that, is now I can explain it. Now I can tell people, yes, this really does hurt. Yes, I really do have a rational reason for this. Yes, there is a physical problem here. No, I'm not just being a wimp, or a crybaby, or pretending. I now have validation and a road to a better place. I can't really explain how much that helps.

In the meantime, it also gives me some hard questions to speculate upon. For instance, am I having such a hard time emotionally with losing weight (a big issue for me) because the weight has helped me to deal with SPD in the past? Since so many of my emotional problems are probably dependent on this, what is it going to feel like to be able to cope more capably? Am I ready for the responsibility that comes with actually being able to handle this thing, rather than have it as an excuse? It would be way too simple to just say, aw, poor me, no wonder I can't do this. But that's just a path I am unwilling to take. Can I keep it real?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

When you make a decision...

I was just talking about this the other day, but I think Dewey makes the point much more clearly than I could.

Unshelved web comic

So many times, it seems we want others to make our decisions. It seems like a safe way to do it; after all, you can blame the other person for bad ones. But, when one chooses to let someone else make a decision, one is still making a decision. A few years back, a man asked to take the rap for an illegal decision his wife made, stating that, since he was the husband, he was responsible for her actions. Thankfully, the court nixed that notion. Our actions (or lack thereof) are our responsibility and ours alone.

I know, kind of a downer this early in the morning, but I've seen too many bad decisions blamed on other people, outside entities, influences "beyond our control," and so on to see the blame game and be happy about it. I'm particularly appalled by the blame game that went on during the senate committee hearing on the oil spill in the Gulf with BP, Halliburton, and whatever that other company's name is. TransUnion? (shakes head) It was frustrating and annoying to seeing the blame shifting going around the room, like a well-choreographed dance on a floor littered with nails. Unfortunately, every one of those nails will eventually be used to seal a major money coffer, and rightfully so. But how long before they manage to pin the miscreants to the wall to do it properly? Not nearly as long as it is taking for the oil slick to ruin lives and livelihoods. Do they think they know more than us, are better than us, or are they trying to sell us something? Sure, they think they know what to say and what not to say, they think their money makes them above the "little people" affected by the problem, and they're definitely trying to sell us a line of bull. I, for one, am not buying it.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

To Love a Child

I've been reading rather widely lately, mostly blogs that interest me. I was fortunate enough to find this blog post today in my survey of goodies. And it just hit me right in the pit of my stomach.

I know that this article is about love for an adopted child, but what kills me, is thinking about all children, biological or adopted. What if we approached being parents to any children with this mindset? Or what about being spouses with this mindset? Or family members, or community members, or simply people in this world? What if?

So many people will quote the famous 2 Corinthians passage. So many will say that it is their favorite passage in the Bible. So many people know parts of it by heart. And yet, as the days pass, it sometimes seems to me that fewer and fewer truly look at this passage as a possibility, as a path, as a way to approach life. No matter the language, the creed, or the culture, one can find much wisdom in passages like these. And yet, as revered as it is, I have seen few people apply it to their lives the way this writer has done.

I know, none of this is anything new. And none of this is earth-shattering. Be kind. Look at things from the other perspective. Allow yourself to open to new ideas, new ways of seeing and knowing. Be true, not only in doing unto others, but also in not doing to others what you would not have others do to you. Being aware of consequences, and teaching those by example. None of this is new. But is it earth-shattering? Or perhaps, the better question is, could this be earth-shattering, if it were more common in our world?

How much do we change the world when we change the way we love a child?